Military Wife, Mother, Supportive Peacemaker, Survivor, Misawa, Japan

The text exchange went like this:

Ella: Hi ant Olga I was wanting to do something nice for my mom. I’m not exactly sure if you have already done this and if not you don’t have to but I think it would really be cool if you made my mom a WOW woman. She has done amazing things for my family and put up with moving every two years and now building a house. But only if you want to.

Me: Why do you think your mom is a WOW Woman?

Ella: My mom is a WOW woman because she likes to help people. Every place we have moved to, she has helped the base in some way. In Korea and Japan, she helped with the thrift shop. She has stuck with my dad for like 20 years moving to over 8 different places. She also raised me and my sister while moving to all these different places. Not to mention that my dad was like never there on the moving days.

My mom has taken care of me and Olivia and our two dogs while my dad was away. And now that he is retired, she puts up with all of us. Now, wanting to build a house, she has taken care of making sure it got done even when my dad was at work flying.

Me: What do you most admire about your mom?

Ella: She’s humble, if she does something good she never brags about it. She’s caring, she likes helping people. And she’s good at listening and giving advice.

Little did sweet Ella know, I already sat down with Ms. Kristen Cockrum, a now retired military wife, to learn more about her world and record a bit of her life story for WOW Woman. During the time I’ve known Kristen I have been impressed and in awe of her endurance to thrive through the curveballs of life, her ability to keep the family unit intact and “operational” over the 14 cross-country and cross-continent relocations.

Kristen, and I suspect every military spouse out there, is the embodiment of Ruth 1:16-21: “Wherever you go, I will go, where you lodge, I will lodge, your people shall be my people, and your God shall be my God.” 100% support and devotion, 100% of the time. That level of self-sacrifice is terrifyingly beautiful, commitment heavy and admirable, selfless love all-consuming and concrete. I am forever in awe.

I photographed Ms. Cockrum on the last day of her husband’s 23rd year of flying for the United States Air Force, the days leading to and following their retirement from the service. It was important for me to show the spirit of a woman who signed up to serve alongside her husband, albeit in an unofficial capacity, her interests and joys as well as to give a small glimpse into her private world. I wanted to capture Ms. Cockrum’s story as a legacy for her daughters as well as an insight for the future generations of the military spouses (wives, husbands, partners).

On a personal note, I want to acknowledge and honour the devotion of the military spouses, playing the supporting life role to the careers of their leading actors, possible forfeiture of something of themselves (personal goals, dreams, and at times sanity) and all the uncertainty that comes with the unconventional lifestyle and a marriage to a member of the military.

I found this poem in the bowels of the internet. If you know the author please message me. There was a feeling of knowing in the words. This leads me to believe that a military wife indeed wrote it.

Within days, we turn a barren, echoing building into a home, and though our quarters are inevitably white-walled and unpapered, we decorate with the treasures of our travels, for we shop the markets of the globe.

Using hammer and nail, we tack our pictures to the wall, and our roots to the floor as firmly as if we had lived there for a lifetime. We hold a family together by the bootstraps, and raise the best of "brats," instilling in them the motto, "Home is togetherness," whether motel, or guest house, apartment or duplex.

Read the poem in full below:

1. Name.

Kristen Swenson Cockrum (maiden name is really a middle name).

2. Where is your hometown?

Spur, Texas, USA.

3. What is your profession/career/title/self-label/designation?

Wife and mother, a former military spouse.

4. What did you study in school?

I studied early childhood education at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, USA.

When I was growing up, being in small town I wasn’t exposed to careers in architecture, banking, or finance. I wanted to be a vet (as that was what I saw and knew well) and was mentored by a local vet. But I soon realized it wasn’t for me because I couldn’t stomach seeing animals suffer.

5. What was the journey like to get where you are? What was the breakthrough moment that brought you here?

My fork in the road moment was meeting my husband because from that moment on, it was a decision time for me to move and leave the United States.

When we started dating, he was working as a navigator in San Antonio, Texas, with an assignment to Germany with the United States Air Force. I was visiting San Antonio with my girlfriends, and that trip changed the trajectory of my life. We liked each other and hit it off right away. After that week, he took me to the airport, and at the gate asked to see me again. But in that moment he also told me he was assigned to Germany and would have to be leaving in nine months. As a result, during my last semester of the senior year I was faced with this time frame, having to make that decision for myself and us as a couple. Needless to say, at that time of my life, about to graduate, I wasn’t even thinking or planning into the next month, least of all thinking of a military lifestyle and all that came with it.

Around that same time, I had interviews lined up for teaching positions post-graduation. My future husband called me the day before my interview with the school and asked to cancel the meeting. “I want to get married” he said. This happened in March, three months into our relationship.

Although my friends and parents were stressed about the rapid movement of our courtship, the wheels started moving nonetheless, toward getting married. We went on one vacation together, he proposed in July but asked my parents first. Despite the speediness of the events, we were a good match, and our families knew it. They were also accepting of each other and were respectful.

Side note, of course I would freak out now if my daughters came to me with the same question under similar circumstances.

Another point of reference, we did know of each other during my junior year in college, as his sister and I were friends. So it wasn’t a blind date situation. I remember telling her in my junior year: “I’m either going to marry your brother Jason, or marry someone like him, a nurturing and a caring person who makes sure that those around him are OK”. From his end, seems that Jason also had a standing wish, because I remember him telling my boyfriend at the time in a joking (or serious) manner: “You can date her, but I’m gonna marry her”. 

At what point did you know you were actually leaving the United States?

The day the military movers came, I knew that it was on, that this was really happening. Thus began our first move toward an assignment in Germany, first of 14 moves in 23 years. To date, we lived in Germany, in South Korea, Japan with Stateside stints in DC, California, New Mexico (where girls were born) and Rhode Island. 

What was the first military base experience like?

Germany was by far the toughest year of our marriage. My husband was doing his training activities and travelled a lot. Imagine a van pulling up, full of young guys energized to hang out and go off on an assignment together, excitement awaiting. I was in our new home, a Texan, first time out of the United States. I didn’t know many people, we didn’t have any furniture, no TV, I didn’t have a driver’s license and was homesick. I remember reading a lot that year.

Then one day, sometime during that first year, I applied for and received a driver’s license. I made friends on the base. And I found my voice. It was such a learning moment for me, my character building moment, learning self-respect and working on self-improvement. At that point, we didn’t have kids, but I knew that I wanted to work in education, so I worked as a a substitute teacher on base (since you cannot work off-base as a military personnel). During that first assignment I ended up seeing a lot of Europe. We really explored and our eyes were opened to another way of life, foreign to us cultures. It was exciting.

I also realized something about myself. I felt most stressed when we didn’t have a physical “homey” space to be in as a family. This happened too often, when we were in-between countries, while packing up our homes every two years, arranging and actually shipping our belongings, awaiting assigned housing, unpacking and longing for things to catch up and arrive months later. I have plenty of other examples that I won’t mention here.

Overall, as I count those times, they add up to a total of six years of our military time that we found ourselves “in between” homes. Those were the times that tested me and I found new strength within to keep going and growing as a person. Twenty three years later, our family just retired from the military and are now pursuing our dream of owning a home in the United States, committing to one place, having our girls enjoy a stable life in one town and in one school. It feels exciting and special for those reasons.

What do you think changed in your perspective?

Sometime, during that first assignment in Germany, I realized that it was me who had the ability to make myself happy and content. I had no-one else to depend on for self-improvement, other than myself. This was the year I started learning the Air Force lingo, hand signs and learned about different planes. Our girls know the hand signs for various Air Force actions too and it’s fun to have this secret language among us. We also picked up some words in other languages, as we were exposed to the local country’s customs and people.

All in all, I was better equipped to enjoy the newlywed time in my life, to have fun and appreciate the excitement of it all. Additionally, our crew of friends grew, most other people our age weren’t married but those who were had tiny babies and were growing their families. It was a beautiful moment in our lives.

To satisfy my spiritual side, I joined a bible study, thus finding a new support network of women. It was mostly women who were military spouses at the time. But the times are changing because after 21 years of living on bases in various countries I started seeing military husbands joining our ranks. This happened during our last assignment, in Japan. As a fun side note, I urge you to google “Well Kept Men of Misawa” to watch their hilarious content. These men take care of the home, bring their kids to the doctor, support each other and other spouses and show the rest of the base that those responsibilities don’t have to fall on women’s shoulders.

What were some of the rewarding parts of being part a military family? What were downsides?

Upsides: really good friends, bonding over tough and miserable times. A playing field being much more leveled than society. For example in Korea, on the air base, everyone lived in one of three apartment buildings. Commanders and coronels had similar apartment qualifications (of courses depending on the kids). There less of the keeping up with jones vibe than out in the real world.

Downsides: being away from our family and friends. Connecting to people and friends but knowing they are in your life for a limited time. I’m not a good goodbye person, I still don’t like saying good byes to people. Seeing my kids saying good bye to people was definitely tough and heart-wrenching.

6. How is your life different from what you pictured at 20?

I probably would have never left my hometown of Spur, Texas. I truly don’t think I would have travelled outside the United States. I feel like God grows you at the exact moment when you need it. I am ultimately a better person for having lived this way, because it was hard. It stretched me. It grew me and my heart. And that’s why I believe I was meant to go through it.

If I stayed in Texas, I would have never been able to change my tire, like I did in Northern Japan, or dig my car out of the deep snow and shovel my way out in a blizzard. I first watched a YouTube video to make sure I didn’t electrocute myself. It did take me two hours to dig myself out, but I did it. My husband was in Guam at the time and I had noone else to rely on but myself. This was the situation that applied many many times over, where I (and later with my girls) had to roll up my sleeves and just plough on.

7. Was there a time when life knocked you down or out and how did you get back up on your feet?

While in Japan, I felt exhausted and just overall run-down. This was our last assignment, geographically it was far, and family felt like a million miles away. I just didn’t want to do it. By that time we already set our mind on buying land and starting to build a house back in Texas. So for me my mind was already set on that next step of the journey.

As a result, that time was one of the hardest of our experience in the military. I was miserable and I learned that my attitude (towards Japan and other experiences while there) trickled down to my girls. I now realize just how much my stance affected them. I didn’t have it in me to always be that “happy person” who lifts everyone up. I felt down myself.

It was an unexpected assignment for us and being at that distance and geographically isolated wasn’t what I wanted. I regret feeling that way now, but it’s true, it was the first time in our marriage it didn’t feel like we were working toward the same thing. Additionally, to make things more complicated, our position in the military was higher up. I was supposed to be the support system, a pillar of strength as a commander’s wife. But I am more of a roll-up-the-sleeves kind of person, and in my new role I just didn’t feel like I was able to be myself fully.

What was it like having a family in the military?

Ultimately being in the military has made us closer as a family. All you’ve got is each other. I hope that whenever my girls are grown and have families of their own, they look back on our time together positively. It blows my mind how different their life has been from mine or my husband's. My parents lived in the same house for over 50 years. Our family, on the other hand, moved almost every two years and the girls were incredible troopers, and even had a lot of fun, through it all. 

8. Any advice to you daughters and other women?

To learn from my mistakes. When you realize that you have a choice to make, choose to make yourself happy and strive for that. Choosing to make yourself happy is a way better outcome. Do everything in your power keep going.

Taking my own advice and learning from my own experiences, I do now miss parts of Japan. I miss walking on the beaches, the snow, the calm and the quiet landscape. I so treasured the smells, waves, and the sounds of the beach I frequented while living on-base. I still hold onto the little treasures I found during my walks and the items I collected over the years. It was the spiritual moments that I spent a lot of my time thinking about.

9. Where in the world do you feel “tallest” and most at peace (i.e. where is your happy place)?

I felt at peace, on the beach in Japan. With my dogs.

I feel tallest when I see my girls, Olivia and Ella, learn and master something new. I live for those moments when they get something and come to a realization themselves. I love watching them get excited, grow as individuals and be proud of themselves. It is super fun for me to see them excel and become better humans, to constantly witness their light bulbs go on. Also to see my partner excel. I worried he would be miserable getting out of the military, not being the center of the Air Force life. I give him a lot of credit for handling it so beautifully. He is the strong force I depend on, always.

10. What extra-curricular activities/hobbies are you most proud of? Why?

Every time we moved, I seemed to have picked up a hobby, learned something new: pottery, quilting, figuring out my way around the sewing machine and crafting. Of course, there are always more books to enjoy.

11. What do you want to be when you grow up? Future goals/challenges?

My parents said that I have always wanted one thing as a kid and a teenager growing up: I wanted to be a mom. I am super content at where I am in my life. I love my girls and I love my partner. I love my life. Don’t get me wrong, all three drive me crazy at times, but I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I want to see them learn and grow and thereby learn and grow with them.

In this moment in our lives, I’m most excited about completing building a house, a huge undertaking for us. I am looking forward to hanging at our house, waterskiing on the lake in the back, having friends over, hosting dinners and birthdays. I am looking forward to growing old with my partner, raising our girls and being content.

12. Anything you'd do differently, if you had another go at life?

I would have partied less in college. My friendships, I would work more on strengthening them. If I’m not physically at one location with someone, I am not good at keeping in touch with them. I would probably do better at that. I still can and will, of course.

Another go at life would bring me to the exactly the same spot I’m in right now. I wouldn’t change anything.

13. What inspires you?

Goodness and kindness in others. This was instilled in me at home by both my parents. I feel like I can recognize it others too, which helped me in my role as a military wife.

14. What are some ingredients to a good life?

I think its corny, but I would say do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If practiced, this would solve a lot of problems in the world.

If you choose to have a mate and a partner in life, you have to choose well. Definitely make a decision that is right for you.

15. What are (at least) three qualities you most love about yourself and why? What are your superpowers?

Hyper-focused. When channeled in the right direction, it truly is a superpower. Once I get into a task, I’m all in. Of course like any good thing, it can be a double edged sword.

My faith in God is my superpower. When I can’t handle something, I feel I can hand myself and let go of trying to control a situation.

Even though I may say that I suck at parenting and may feel like every second of every day I’m screwing up my kids, I am proud of the fact that I keep them as a priority and love them unconditionally. They are the most important element in my life.

I am a nice person. It sometimes feels underrated, but I assume goodness in others (which also could be a double edge sword)..

16. What advice would you give your 14-year-old self?

Don’t be in such a hurry. Soak in all of it.

17. What are you reading now? (what books do you gift most and what are your favourite reads?)

I’m currently reading The Prodigal God by Timothy J Keller and Seated with Christ: Living Freely in a Culture of Comparison by Heather Holleman. Some of my favourite books are The Mistress's Daughter by A. M. Homes and David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell. I also enjoyed Captains and the Kings. a novel by Taylor Caldwell.

21. Who is a WOW WOMAN in your world who inspires you and why? Can you nominate three (or more) women you know who perfectly fit WOW WOMAN description? What would you tell them, if you had an opportunity, why you admire them?

• My mom and my mother-in-law are incredible. As a kid and a teenager my mother worked the fields and as an only child pulled herself up by her bootstraps. She made life work and raised us.

• My four sisters-in-law.

• My friend Karli who works as a mentor to the women in need. She is truly walking the talk.

• Granny Doris (my mom’s mom) – she and my Papi had nothing and truly came from nothing. They found success as ranchers at a time when other ranchers were failing and leaving the area. My granny canned vegetables, smoked meats, prepared for the tough winters and raised a strong daughter with a powerful work ethic. When she said she was going to do something she would do it, without complaining.

22. Where can others find you/your work (links to websites, blogs, etc.)?

I don’t have much presence on social media or and don’t go on Facebook often. I know myself, if there is a free moment to get on social media I would go nuts and it will become an all-or-nothing situation. I could waste a lot of time on it. For that reason, I choose not to even engage.